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"I was more aware of every calorie and every mile I logged."

This Unit(ed) story comes from a mother who acknowledged her own disordered eating in the past upon coming to terms with her daughter's ED diagnoses. See Part I below for her story in her own words. See Part II further down for her reflection questions and answers. Search for similar stories by using the following hashtags: #mother #female #adult #disorderedeating #overexercising.

(Warning: This story discusses eating disorders which may be triggering to some readers. Contact information for the National Eating Disorders Helpline is attached at the bottom of the story.)

Part I. Her Story

It wasn't until my own daughter was diagnosed with an eating disorder, that it made me take pause and look at my own patterns and realize that the "apple didn't fall that far from the tree." Although I would never have labeled myself as someone with an eating disorder, I think that throughout my life I have had patterns of disordered eating.


It was actually somewhat of an epiphany as I ran round and round at a track thinking "How did this happen? Why her? How could I have not known or not done something sooner?" It was then that it dawned on me that since she had been diagnosed and I had begun to realize that the situation was bigger than us both, I myself was instinctively controlling everything in my own life - from eating to working out, I was more aware of every calorie and every mile I logged. During this time, I knew that my daughter was looking and watching what and how much I was eating, so I would eat or not go for a run knowing that she was mentally making notes.


I was trying to be supportive and provide an example of what normal eating and working out was. It pushed me out of my comfort zone and brought me anxiety because deep down with all that was going on with her - the constant worry, the guilt, the "what next?" - all I really wanted was to control the few things that I still felt I could. And I’ve realized that this really wasn’t something new. Throughout the course of my life, it was the times where I felt the most out of control whether personally, at work, or just in stressful situations where I had no control, when I was most restrictive in terms of eating and obsessive when it came to working out. Ironically, all the times where I received the most compliments for how I looked (ridiculously skinny) coincided with the times in my life when I was the most unhappy. Skinny on the outside and sad on the inside.

I think that in this day and age with social media at the forefront for all ages, it has become increasingly difficult to be kind to yourself despite your age. We judge ourselves against the unattainable. I can’t count the number of friends who have had a baby and two days later seem to be juggling motherhood while successfully fitting in their pre-pregnancy skinny jeans. We measure ourselves against celebrities and models as if this is the new norm because it is in our feed 24/7 - a constant reminder that we can be/should be thinner and prettier, living a more "perfect" life.

 

Part II. Reflection Questions


1. If there is one piece of advice you could give to someone suffering from disordered eating, what would it be?

Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to take one day at a time. Life isn't about being perfect, it's about being perfectly you. 2. What is one thing you want other people to understand about it?


It is more prevalent than people realize, but not many people talk about it. There is still a stigma attached to it and things like fit-bits, most health documentaries, and fad diets are a landmine - adding to people's anxiety over food and/or working out.

3. What positive lessons have you learned through your journey?


That everyone's journey is their own. Letting go of some of the control can actually bring more peace to your life. Everyone is going through something. Be open, listen and be there for one another. Lastly, work towards finding balance. Balance is the key in almost every area of life.

 

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