"I started pinching at all the spots where I felt I didn't look like them..."
- Unit(ed)
- Mar 8, 2019
- 4 min read
This Unit(ed) story comes from a female Harvard student-athlete who has experienced anorexia. See Part I below for her story in her own words. See Part II further down for her reflection questions and answers. Search for similar stories by using the following hashtags: #female #anorexia #Harvard.
(Warning: This story discusses eating disorders which may be triggering to some readers. Contact information for the National Eating Disorders Helpline is attached at the bottom of the story.)
Part I. Her Story
"I have battled anorexia for the past 8 years. I was living in denial of it for the first four years. I had suspicions that the way I was living in order to have a 'healthy lifestyle' and the body I thought I needed couldn’t be how others were living. I remember having friends talk to me about how they noticed issues with my eating but I ignored that completely. The first time I noticed something was wrong and escaped the denial was my sophomore year of high school. I was in my room changing and dropped something on the floor. I bent over to pick it up and glanced in the mirror. I was shocked to see my bare stomach and back. For the first time I got past the need to keep losing weight and could see that I was bonier than I had ever been. My rib cage was exposed, my shoulder blades were sticking out and I knew I had gone too far. The next few years I spent going in and out of my level of intensity with the disorder, getting help but then sometimes slipping back into it. Because anorexia is often used as a stress coping mechanism it’s something that is always in the back of my head and something I have to monitor.
Social and parental factors played a huge role in perpetuating these issues. For example I remember being 8 or 9 and getting a parasite. A parasite is when worms are in your stomach eating your food so you lose a lot of weight. It was a really tough experience and I was already naturally tiny to begin with so the 10 extra pounds I lost from this made me look incredibly ill. One day I was talking with my friends mom and she was informed I had this parasite and was starting to take medicine to get rid of it. Her immediate response to hearing of the worms and the weight loss was “Ugh lucky! This should happen to me!” It’s a moment I won't forget because at such a young age an adult was expressing to me that skinny is everything. Skinny is more important than your health and well-being and it's what you should strive for. This is a small example of something I noticed a lot in my childhood. I also remember watching the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show when I was 15 and going to look at myself in the mirror after. I started pinching at all the spots where I felt I didn't look like them and going into an even more extreme diet to change it.
It had a huge negative implication on my social relationships and my athletic career. I never felt like I could go out with friends and would avoid social experiences where food was present. The times I did attend I felt I spent more time in my own head counting calories and trying to prevent myself from eating than anything else. It gave me really low energy so some days I wasn't up for much either. Working out was also really hard. I would get so mad at myself because I would go to the gym, but some days just 5 minutes of biking felt like a lot.
It’s a moment I won't forget because at such a young age an adult was expressing to me that skinny is everything. Skinny is more important than your health and well-being and it's what you should strive for.
I began to seek help when I saw how destructive it had become in my life. I tried to fix the problem on my own but by the time I graduated high school I knew I needed to make a change and I got a nutritionist. It helped a lot. It gave me perspective and tips on the ways I should be eating and she often showed me how abnormal my thoughts were. We would also strip back the fears and decided emotionally where they were coming from. Through college I have been much healthier and have never gone back to my old intense patterns. I still get stressed about what I am eating and when I am working sometimes but I have tools and tactics to calm myself down and a better perspective on the idea that being skinny doesn't mean you are happy or more loved. I still have work to do but have come so far and will continue my journey to a completely balanced and happy relationship with food."
Part II. Reflection Questions
1. If there is one piece of advice you could give to someone suffering from disordered eating, what would it be?
"My main piece of advice would be to seek help. Don’t battle this disorder on your own, get support from family, friends, and outside experts. It makes the world of a difference as they offer you insight and help put you back on track to being a healthier, happier version of yourself."
2. What is one thing you want other people to understand about it?
"For people who don't experience the disorder it's important to understand that it takes patience and support for the individual going through this journey. I want them to understand how hard it is and how much someone with this disorder is likely suffering as food takes over every thought and every decision you begin to make. Some people say “I don't get it why don't they just eat?” It's such a bigger problem than just not eating. It's coming from a place of insecurity and social conditioning. Give the person time, love and support. It makes a world of a difference. Also going forward, work on how you talk about other people's bodies. The conversation is what perpetuates the social norm that everyone needs to be skinny. Don't body shame and support others for more than how they look."
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